


i was so blind looking for your happiness i couldn't realize it was me

by darkswxnqueen



Category: Once Upon a Time RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-20
Updated: 2016-08-20
Packaged: 2018-08-10 00:07:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7822579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darkswxnqueen/pseuds/darkswxnqueen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's basically Swan Queen finally becoming canon and Jennifer Morrison having a panic attack.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i was so blind looking for your happiness i couldn't realize it was me

**Author's Note:**

> Just... don't drag me, ok? There're probably too many typos but... I'm sorry, I did what I could to make it good for you. I also want to thank my cute mozi mayormillls. This is for you.

Jennifer closed her eyes for a few seconds trying to absorb what she had just heard. She felt dizzy at first because at one time she could have sworn that this was finally her big chance to develop the character she had created, but then Jen realized what it really meant.

You see, Jennifer loved Once Upon a Time, loved everything that the series had given her, loved her fans, loved her co-workers, loved every good time she had working with that team, but she knew that after the second season something had changed. She did not condemn Colin in any way, the friendship they shared was something extremely strong. She was not afraid to say that Colin had become her best friend and that she could count on him for whatever she needed.

The problem was  _Hook._  It was ok if Emma wanted to de-stress the Savior’s life with a romance, but does it really needed to have turned something she took time and hard work to build in nothing at all? And because of man?

The fifth season was the trigger for Jennifer. Every expectation created on the Dark Swan, all the study that led to modify all Emma’s mannerisms, the walk was different, the breathing was different, the way she spoke, or whispered, the way she laughed, or fought, everything had changed . Also the intense psychological work molded to the Dark Swan. And for what? To turn the story to Hook? To make the entire season be about Captain Swan? No, that was unacceptable. Jen knew it was.

But who was she to say something? No one. Maybe people thought that to be the protagonist of the show, she would have a voice. But Jen knew very well the time to talk and time to be quiet. I had already experienced the worst moments in previous works and she knew the place. So I accept that required it without question. The professionalism acquired throughout his career was visible in any Jen attitude. If you wanted to sell Captain Swan? Okay. If needed the full commitment of her for this? Okay. It was follow the contract work as it was commanded him.

And that's exactly why it didn’t fit. Why now? What was going on exactly?

"You got it, Jen?" Adam looked at her over his glasses, looking at her as she massaged her temples realizing every word before tearing her brain.

"Can I be very honest? No," she sighed, crossing her arms against her chest and anchoring on the chair of the meeting room. "Could you explain me again because I swore that everything was fine. By the way, we did everything as agreed. The season was great... right?" She no longer knew, and the look that Adam and Eddy exchanged just made her realizes that the situation was not the wonder that she believed.

"In fact, we can not achieve the full public as we wanted. At first we thought there really was a great percentage loyal to the plot that were developed since the second season with you and Colin but we realized that the vast majority gave up watching the show. We lost many points, the rates are too low and you know that if we keep falling, we can say goodbye to Once Upon a Time, don’t you? "

She knew. But ... why  _her?_  Not that working with her was a bad thing, quite the contrary, Lana was perhaps the easiest person with whom you work on set. She knew very well what she was doing, had full view of the path by which her character had spent to get where she arrived and managed to build a strong and unbreakable Regina. Working with Lana was wonderful. Living with her was what weighed.

 _"He's not your son, he's mine!"_  And it was from there that she succumbed to the pain that was to be in love with Lana Parrilla. Four years ago Jennifer sighed at the corners when she saw her walking awkwardly by Steveston streets. Four years ago Jennifer locked herself in her trailer during a break and another to read and reread all the scenes that she would have to share with her, four years ago Jennifer bought a single sunflower and was torn between deposit it in Lana’s trailer lock or just throw it away.

And it was amazing how four years ago the latter was always taken, four years ago Jennifer tried to hide her feelings for Lana, four years each and every gentle touch of Lana was suppressed by the distance Jennifer placed the next minute, trying to convince it was just friendship.

Four years running from her hugs, four years running from the laughter, four years running from the brush of hands when Lana handed her favorite coffee. "Caramel Macchiato. Another point for me." Receiving a wink, not understanding what it meant, since Lana left her alone with the drink and then greet the rest of her colleagues right after.

Anyway, four years ago Jennifer fled from the scenes, interviews and fans who insisted on trying to invent something that did not exist. The truth was that there was really nothing between them. Jennifer understood that Lana was happy with her husband and never thought to take her happiness from her, even though deep down she wanted to be the reason for her happiness.

"Jennifer?" A snap of fingers just in front of her face had brought her back to reality. "We need to fix the mistake and we see no other solution but to Emma and Regina have greater involvement." It was clear that Adam scratched the top of the head, taking the necessary care in choosing the right words to communicate the next step. "At first we thought of a scene such as Dorothy and Ruby, but then we saw that although most fans want to Regina and Emma sharing a true love’s kiss, we do not need it now." Jen's heart failed, she could feel the beat out of sync as the pain invaded her slowly.  _True love’s kiss?_ _No, no._ _That was..._ "We thought about simple touches, innocent caresses."

_Shit._

"We are absolutely sure that they will know how to deal with the situation professionally as it was with Colin and Sean. You worked together for five years and you know each other very well. Just talk and try to feel comfortable enough to show that in front of camera. It is important that the you keep sharing the chemistry you have because this is just the beginning. "

And with that the meeting was over. She wanted to scream with their producers until they understand that she could not act in something like what they were asking, or rather forcing. No, she couldn’t. She couldn’t for the simple fact that "simple touches and innocent caresses" would bring down all the walls that were raised between her and Lana during those four years. But who was she to say anything? That's right, no one. And so, Jennifer got up and walked to the meeting room door, pausing with her hand on the knob and giving the minimum effort to look at them over her shoulder.

"She already knows?"

"No, we asked someone to call her and probably she’s on her way."

That was enough to make her storm out the door and run up to her trailer. She had not realized that she bumped Colin halfway. How could she? Tears insisted in falling over her cheeks copiously, her migraines have left her out of sense of time or space, her chest was heavy and an anguish doesn’t even allowed her to breathe right. It’s been so long since she haven’t felt something like that. Her panic attacks had stopped at seventeen when everything in Hollywood reached her more intense than normal, but for some reason the crisis was back. She tried to calm her breathing one, two, three, four… feeling heavy and get carried away into the darkness.

When she realized she was getting her consciousness back, Jen felt too firm and strong fingers around her arms, pulling her to the couch and tucking her over it as someone pulled some blonde locks behind her ear. When she opened her eyes, they met Colin at her side and the only thing she could do was to throw herself into his arms and cry again.

Colin held her against his chest, not bothering her tears were wetting the collar of his shirt as he waited for some explanation of why Jennifer was found cowering in a corner of the trailer minutes ago. Explanation that it came with a voice choked by tears. "They will do Swan Queen canon Colin." And more tears. He let her cry as much as needed because he knew very well what it meant to Jennifer. He knew what Jen felt for Lana and he knew how hard it was for Jennifer to give up her feelings for Lana to seek happiness so that in the end nothing, no sacrifice was worth something.

"I was informed."

Then Jennifer looked up. "But already advance that I didn’t know how to tell you, nothing that I had told you would change what is coming up, nothing that I had told you would change what you're feeling now, Jen, but I'm here. For now you can count on me for whatever you need." And that was enough for Jennifer. A shoulder was exactly what she needed at that moment. Not that she couldn’t count with Josh and Ginny, but Colin was the one who knew what she felt about Lana. And so it should be. She was not mad at her friend for not having said anything about the decision of the producers, she understood that there was nothing he could do to decrease the despair she felt, but... my God, she was so lost. "Jen ..."

Hearing a low mutter to show that she was listening, Colin took a deep breath and ventured close your eyes so to speak. "You know you need to talk to her, don’t you?"

"But I don’t want to."

"Jennifer, is important. You see, I'm not asking you to declare your feelings for her, I know you wouldn’t do that, it's just... you need a peaceful relationship, more than ever now that they have started to write the sixth season. "

"Colin ..."

He pushed her away from his body to look her in the eyes. "Promise me you'll try? I know how much you love this work, I know how much you respect Lana and I know how much she respects you too. You know it's important to keep the harmony and chemistry you have to have and so you need to talk. " Colin’s blue eyes locked on Jennifer’s greens ones begging that she clung to that promise, and so she did. She promised what she needed to promise and laid back her head on the curve of Colin’s neck, sighing heavily as she let her thoughts wander to the one who insisted on taking care of your soul.  _How was she reacting to the news? Will she send a message?_   _A phone call?_   _Would she mind with all this?_   _What would she feel knowing that they had to_   _act_ in _a more intimate way than the usual?_   _No, Jennifer, do not try to think about it._   _Not now._   _Calm down._

(x)

Three knocks on the metal door of her trailer took the thoughts she was immersed. At that time it couldn’t be none other than Lana and therefore Jennifer struggled between answer or pretend she was not there. Hearing three more hits, she realized Lana wouldn’t leave until they met so standing up, she walked with slow steps to the door as if with that Lana would get tired of the delay and went back from wherever she came from. That didn’t happen, of course.

"Hey ..."

Beautiful. She was so beautiful.

"Hey ..."

Lana wore a white dress, loose, which was just above the knee, nothing too revealing. Her hair was already just above the shoulders, shaking against the cool breeze that insisted on littering her dark locks. "Can we talk?" She asked quietly, as if worried about something that Jen wasn’t sure what it was. Nodding, Jennifer left her to get in the trailer, walking to the couch where she sat and waited for Lana to do the same.

She couldn’t help noticing that she held two scripts. Realizing that Jennifer examined them, Lana held out one to her. "She gave me at the end of the meeting.They asked me to give yours, but Adam said it’s only a preview." She was shy, it was easy to see. The lower lip marked by the teeth, heavy breathing, trembling hands and the fact that she couldn’t look in her eyes showed Jennifer how Lana was affected by the decision of the producers just like Jennifer, or even more. She couldn’t tell.

"Thanks." Jennifer was careful to collect the papers from Lana’s hands without touching her.  _Great ..._  She took a quick look at the papers and sighed, turning to look at her. "How are you?" Jennifer wanted, no... needed to know what was going on on Lana’s head. "I mean, with all this?"

"Ah!" And Lana, even with fear, leaned over the couch back, resting the script in her lap as she thought of an honest answer. "It's not like we did not see it coming, Jen."

"You... you knew this would happen?" Jennifer alarmed, starting to feel like she was the last to know everything until Lana took one of her hands to Jen’s involuntarily.

"No!" Collecting it right after. Jennifer could still feel the warmth of her palm on where it had touched. "But..." Lana looked away, biting her lower lip as if to keep it from saying something she should not.

"But...?" Jennifer instigated.

When she came back to look at her, she made sure to hold the look on Jen’s. Those emerald green orbs always made her delirious and out of breath. "I'm waiting for this for so long." It was a whisper that if Jennifer was not paying attention would have go unnoticed. But it did not. She had heard very well what Lana had just said.

Probably the silence that followed was intimidating enough that Lana looked away and brought a lock behind her ear.  _So beautiful..._ "But what about you? How are you feeling about it?" She asked, making Jen shake her head back to pay attention to the conversation they were having.

"Don’t know."

"You… don’t know?" Lana frowned, not knowing whether it was good or bad. It was so hard to read Jennifer sometimes. "Do you feel uncomfortable?" She tried.

"No... well, maybe." Jen returned to flip through the pages without paying attention to anything that was written. "I don’t know, Lana... It was hard for me at first with Colin, don’t know if it will be with you too, you know?" She tried not to confess what was really at stake. She tried to keep a certain distance from Lana to not let what she was feeling coming on surface, but Lana  _had_  to touch her again.

"I don’t want it to be difficult, Jennifer." Another whisper. "I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable with me. You know how much I value the friendship." And that hurt, it hurt a lot, but what could she do? They were friends and only friends. "You know how much I like you."  _No ... I do not know._

Jennifer just agreed a glance and looked back at her lap where the script danced between one hand and another. Lana settled down better on the couch, approaching enough to feel the outer side of her right thigh touch Jen’s left. "Let's read it together?" She gave a little push with her shoulder at Jennifer’s, smiling as she opened the script on the first page.

Nodding, decided to read the first time in silence to understand how was the scene. Apparently, it was very simple, domestic. After the return to Storybrooke, Regina invited Emma to have dinner with her, Henry and Violet at the mansion. During dinner, Regina let slip that she happened to have apple pie in the refrigerator and Emma and Henry would run to the kitchen like two kids behind the dessert. Lana and Jennifer reached this part almost instantly and realized it as both began to laugh together, Lana shaking her head in disbelief. "My God, they actually write Emma as a child."

"Hey ..." Jennifer leaned against Lana in another push. "Confess that you like Emma’s dork way, c’mon..."

Still laughing, Lana nodded and Jennifer wasn’t sure what that meant. She was joking or really liked how they developed their character?

They got back to the reading until...

_The way Emma eats the pie doesn’t go unnoticed by Regina who unthinkingly takes one hand to the corner of Emma's lips and clean the sweet’s remnants, denouncing how much Emma couldn’t eat without getting dirty._

Jennifer didn’t know if Lana had gotten that part, but once the air became heavy. She tried to contain and not look at Lana, but it was inevitable. Once her gaze crossed hers, she felt one of her hands touch her corner of the lips and the tip of her fingers brush the place constantly. "You can not eat without getting dirty, can you?" Lana didn’t bother to do her best impersonation of Regina, her voice was low, almost a whisper again. Her fingers kept touching Jennifer's face and she was close enough to feel the heat emanating from Jen's body. "Is it what they want?" Without answering, Jennifer closed her eyes and felt the approach of Lana hurt her soul.

"Jen ..."  _No ..._  "Look at me."  _No, Lana ..._  "Please." How could she deny a request so caring like that? How could she deny the hot breath of Lana against her face. Even with closed eyes, Jennifer knew that Lana was close enough to make her lose consciousness. Creating courage, Jen opened her eyes and exhaled deeply without realizing that she had held her breath for all that time.

"Lana."

Her hands were sweating so much that the paper was already starting to get sticky between her fingers, the cut breath showed how it all was hard for her but something in Lana's gaze didn’t stop staring at her. It was like diving into a bottomless pit, as if something hot involved her in a cold afternoon. It was good. But it was wrong.

"Do not do this to me."

And suddenly she came to her senses, she realized that wasn’t supposed to happen what was happening, it was Lana's happiness that was at stake and that she would not risk it in any way. So Jennifer involved Lana's wrist close to his face and undid the touch.

Awkwardly, Lana pulled the arm of Jen's fingers and rose from the couch suddenly. "I'm sorry, I... I didn’t know what was on my head. I... I'm going, ok? We talk later, right?" With large steps, Lana reached the trailer’s door and opened it in one movement only to close it right after to feel the body being pressed against it.

Hands on the waist, hands on hips, hands on thighs, thighs involving the waist, chest to chest, confusing breaths, eye to eye. And silence. A silence that lasted exactly five seconds to be interrupted by a short, low moan that insisted on escape by Lana’s throat when Jennifer’s mouth found the spot just below her ear.

Neither knew what they were doing, they just needed to feel. Feel what was denied to both over the years. Feel the warmth of skin on skin, feel the salty taste of other’s sweat. To taste the other.

Digging her nails into Jen's shoulders, Lana involved her waist better and moaned again, feeling Jennifer’s flat hands on her ass. Quickly, Jennifer carried her by the trailer to find the bed with her knees, dropping her on the mattress. The eyes never left any second, but none had the audacity to tell what they were thinking. Not now.

Jennifer leaned over Lana and captured her lips in an urgent kiss, tongues twined and kneaded, exploring every corner that pertained to them. Lana’s hands traveled by the side of Jen's body, finding the end of her shirt, she broke the  barrier the blonde wore and with her warm fingers, she felt the soft skin of Jennifer against her palms.

Another moan.

Sultry this time because of the lips waging a relentless struggle. Nothing was enough at the time. 

Thus, Lana brought Jen’s shirt to her shoulders, but for a moment wished she hadn’t done since they had to interrupt the kiss to scrap the fabric. The spece between their lips didn’t last even a second, lying along the way as two wistful travelers. The kiss could be warmer then, but Jennifer craved more. And so did Lana.

Even with Lana protests, Jennifer brought her lips to her chin, biting her subtly while diving in the dark immensity of the neck. Each stroke that left was a mixture of happiness and relief. She didn’t want to think about the future, just about the present. The legs twined and the pressure exerted by them was already evident, the heat already showed how both were wet. Amazing what a few kisses were able to do.

Passing a leg side by Lana's body, Jen sat on her thighs and lifted the body. They looked at each other again, this time smiling. Attaching the fingertips on the handles of Lana dress, Jen slowly down the same, leaving a loud sigh when faced with the lack of bra. She didn’t hold back when dropping the dress and going thirsty to Lana's breasts, placing wet kisses all over the valley and partying between a nipple and another, still feeling them growing inside of her lips.

Lana moaned, at that moment she knew only moan. To moan and grab Jen’s hair to force her to stay exactly where she was. She wouldn’t have the audacity... with eyes closed and head arched back, Lana kept her lips parted and alternated between moaning and swearing. Only she knew how good it was to have Jen's mouth at the exact place where she needed.

Jennifer went up the kisses between the collarbone and neck, reaching her lips again. It was good, it was so good. Lana stroked her face, sliding her hands up to her neck and massaging in a unique way. Her fingers mistook her hair and she pulled sometimes hard, sometimes gently. Without warning, Lana placed both hands on Jen's breasts and reaching the front clasp of her bra, opened it and palmed her hands over Jennifer, pressing her breasts against her fingers and feeling the effect against her throat in a groan long given by the blonde.

They spent a long time kissing, feeling the excitement grow as the touch intensified, but they got at a moment that it was not enough. For both. So Jennifer took one of Lana’s hand on her own and directed it into her pants. Once Lana felt Jen’s soft, hot and wet sex against her fingers, she moaned loudly, sliding the fingertips by Jennifer’s labia, bringing them right next to its entrance and making them circulate clitoris.

Jen moaned Lana’s one, two, three, four times without stopping. She bucked against her fingers as she felt her own tingle as if asked by contact. So she tried to concentrate enough to be able to drag one hand along the side of Lana thigh lifting her dress up to her waist and pushing her lace panties to the side, providing enough space so that she could penetrate it with two fingers without notice.

_My God..._

At that time no one knew who was who, the two were one person confused between moans, breaths, kisses and touches. They needed and sufficed. While Jennifer penetrated Lana tirelessly, the other keep massaging Jen’s pleasure point. The mouths weary loosened, but the foreheads remained united. Everything was so beautiful.

And so, enjoying the paradise view that the two fell apart together, shivering on the same spasms, seeing the same stars, feeling the same chills. Until Jennifer collapsed on Lana’s body and the brunette held her tight, feeling her tears wetting her chest. They wept. Tears of happiness, tears of fear, tears of relief, tears of will to live that again and again and again and again...

After a while, the breaths calmed down and Jennifer laid beside Lana, both admiring the roof of the trailer while interlocked fingers. Lana circled the thumb in a delicious affection, which made Jennifer turned to look at her. She was smiling, eyes closed.  _So beautiful..._  She took one hand to her face, dragging her fingers across her cheek, stroking it.  _"You don’t know how you make me happy."_  She ventured to speak, but only managed whisper.

Lana didn’t dare to stop caring, just kept her eyes closed and moved her face against Jennifer’s fingers.  _"You don’t kno_ _w how I’ve waited for this."_

**Author's Note:**

> So? Did you like it? Talk to me on twitter (@/darkswxnqueen) or on curiouscat (/darkswxnqueen).


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